BEING TOGETHER, BEING FREE !!!

(Dedicated to Papa Piolo and Sam Milby – Sana magkatuluyan na sila! – for goodness’ sake and to set Pinoy Bakla Couple Idols)

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As my own contribution to Kik’s exploration of Man-to Man relationship  downplaying the love aspect …  and detailing the mode, probability, longevity and expectations we have.  Very complicated issue.

I would not say there is a general rule in relationships as I believe that as each one of us is unique and different from each other.  The relationships that we forge and enter into in this world …  are also very special and may not be seen and measured by anything and someone else.   And though I’m afraid, we in this topic should downplay the aspect of love,  herein though,  LOVE rules supreme, decides and plays the main character.

We are bombarbed with news and stories about straight couples going through expensive and disastrous divorces and or remaining in unhappy marriages – where the main theme of the action is battle of the sexes (male versus female) – -  highligting their differences and battling for their selfish interests in their union.   So Man-to-Man relationship should then be too easy – as they are of the same gender, interests and wants ???

Yes? No.

Where for different reasons, except love, we enter into commitment – where monogamy, health, eternity and prosperity are promised, we are surely doomed to fail.

I have been in a ‘monogamous loving relationship and commitment ‘ with another man from a different culture,  who is ten years older than me, for the past eight years and I dare say that it is definitely not a bed of roses.  

The sad thing is that although we are certified gay – we are a pair of strong minded, selfish, jealous, and vainglorious individuals wanting to be loved more.  We both were carrying heavy loads of baggages from the past and both of us (I realized now)  have to wear the crowns and sit in that queenly throne.  Not only me.  I am of the more camp girly type though, and he more or less represents the manly type with a gay attitude.  But yes, I made him like the things I like – like wearing girl’s clothings and becoming a drag queen, which he previously hated to the max.  I think I won in this regard, and this made me sit on the throne and wear the crown most of the time.  The Queen   Yes.

We nearly killed each other so many times and definitely have lost our minds over minute and not so minute things (like the War of the Roses, though we did not dangle on the candelabra chandelier yet) – and yes there are still unresolved conflicts that we keeping on pushing aside,  and differences we learned to accept and tolerate (the key words).  Like me, being a die hard Filipino at heart has to have my TFC played on the tv everyday - and him being an Ozzie German who hates the smell of fish and bagoong and the nonsensical crazy shreiking of Wa Wa Wee, loves his sci fi movies.  So we ended up having teles in every room of the house, and create our own diversions.

Yes we are proud we passed through unscathed from the romantic ideal phase -  that fleeting feeling of being in love  - full of promise and holding eternity in your hand like a piece of sand, dreaming that you see yourself all wrinkled and naked on the beach in that distant future still holding your hands together, closing death.  Ohhh sooo romantic.  Plus all the scented candles and fresh roses lying around …  and the love songs, still there!  And the angels looking down at you …  Ohhh stop it!

And so I thought being together is like being on racetrack with someone you love – tied to you in your hands and legs and running forward to finish the line  still tied together at the end of the race.  But this is just a lame romantic analogy.   For there are 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week and 12 months in a year of being together with the person you choose to share your life with.  Your one only created family, until death. Can you imagine ???  You get so bored you ended slapping each other to death!  And instead of being romantic it becomes a comedy, tragedy and even a horror movie of some sort.

And so that was over.  Real drama begins.

So disregarding and battling all other obstacles – in order to be together, you choose your own battle with the world.  You still  tie yourself together with more binds, in the vain hope that being bound together,  you are stronger.  

You pursue your individual careers, work etc. but you go home everyday to the place you build as your home.  You buy this and that together.  You own properties together.  You adapt cats and dogs and pour your excess love on them as your children.  You buy and wear twin clothes, and for years of hearing each other all the time you sounded alike – using the same expletives and vocabulary, finishing each other’s sentences.  You now have a twin - who resemble you so much – you want to slap him!       

That was one year, two years … and then you find yourself, really building you life together accepted by friends and even your family.  You are a couple.  And all decisions that you make flow from that point.  Comfort zone.

Love is a battlefield. 

It is something that you have to fight for and live for.  Yes, there is that great thing called boredom - like you end up thinking you miss out on all the actions out there because you have to be with your partner. Loyalty points.  Frequent flyer awards.  But the question – is the grass on the other side of the fence really greener, sometimes linger.  Feeling trapped?

But the greatest battle, like those great adventure books,  is the war within yourself.   The conflict that arise – from wanting to be tied to this person forever or being free.  Realizing that happiness is not altogether dependent on the other person – but within yourself.   Is the relationship bringing out the best or the worst in you?  Shakepeares – to be and or not to be.  That is the question.

When you love someone set them free. 

Being so close together is like reading a book a thousand times over but still not totally understanding the meaning of the whole story.  You are totally out of it.  For you do not own the book – it did not come from you.  It is of someone else’s soul.  And that book likes constant change and evolution.  Like Madonna.  Reinvention.   The person that you know five years ago – is not living in this body anymore.  As you change, so is your lover.

Realizing what, how, when to set your lover free – is I think the greatest bullshit of all.  But how do you set your love free?  Miss Barbara Streisand for sure has created the idea of open relationships in the gay world which I am sure is the great ender to any relationship.  Blame it to man genes.  But I still do not want threesome, or foursome and so on.  

How do you set your love free?  I am sure it has a deeper meaning.

The future.

We do not know what happens ten years or fifteen years from now.  That I am sure of.  There might just be wine here and there.  Early nights.  And maybe rekindled passions along the way.  Hope there will always be laughter after we slap each other and bruise our egos, and maybe some more sex. 

But as each day we leave and go home, we might greet each other and do all the routine checks, domestics and whatnots, bitch around for a while and exercise our human rights of expression …  and then him silently watching his favorite sci-fi shows and me doing my drag queenly things,  sleep and greet the following day….  another day of the greatest life of all starts all over again.